The Reason

5:05 AM Paris Time, July 10, Seat 21 A, 2 Hours from Paris, Somewhere over the Atlantic

Plenty of people have asked me why I´m doing this at all. I could have had internships, or taken classes, or even done research again. I could have studied abroad, traveled with Duke students, or even just remained at home with my family.

Why have I chosen this Road? To conquer being alone.

Last summer, I remained on Duke´s campus after camp ended. I knew no one--no Durhamites, no Duke students, no professors. I was alone.

As an aside, it´s funny because Andrea, who lives in Raleigh, was most likely overwhelmed when I planned a full day for the two of us to hang out when she was at home. She must have thought me insane for how much energy and money I put into that one day together, but I needed it for me. Andrea, on that one day, was the one friend I saw for a month and a half.

After a week of researching in loneliness, I started sleeping in until noon. I would ¨research¨--whatever the hell that means--for an hour or two, and then I would delve into a book or a movie or a TV series on DVD. In this way I read a wealth of Stephen King, finally saw Seven, and watched all 5 seasons of Lost.

Being alone had me beat. Productivity dropped dangerously close to zero, ambition was falling rapidly, and my energy gauge read ´´E.´´

Allow me to depart from this discussion of the past in order to bring up a common analogy for our lives.

Let everyone´s life be like a thread projecting through space where time moves linearly from left to right (arbitrarily). When we are born on this Earth, our thread begins; as we leave it, the thread vanishes.

If you were raised in a constant nuclear family, perhaps your parallel thread was in close proximity to the intertwining strings of your mother and father. And on your marriage day, did you not tie the knot that joined your string with another?

By this definition, loneliness is simply the emotion one experiences when one´s string is radially distant from any others.

Perhaps I have a lower threshhold than others, although it really truly is only a matter of perception.

As I am drafting this onboard the flight to Paris, with each of the 5 seats adjacent to my window seat vacant, salty canals have dug their way down my cheeks. Being doomed to loneliness terrifies me. And, much more presently, being alone--very alone--for the next month sounds unbearable.

However all is not lost. For all the lonely tears I have cried with thoughts of girls, brothers, family, and friends, I have never once actually accepted that one could possibly be doomed to be alone.

I control my own destiny and I will not stand to be alone. Not now, on this Road. Not in my remaining years at Duke. Never. Never.

I began this journey with my thread further than it ever has been from everyone I know and love. And as uncomfortable as it feels now, it won´t be so a month from now. Of this I´m confident.

Perhaps I will meet friends along the Road; every pilgrim is traveling as a companion to every other pilgrim, no? Or perhaps my tolerance for loneliness will necessarily increase; even though I was unproductive last summer, I can´t be unproductive this summer or else I risk missing my August 11 flight out of Santiago.

I do not yet know the face of victory--the image of the Nike of Samothrace just illuminated in my mind--but I will soon.

Why have I chosen this road? So that I conquer being alone.